Feeling compelled to write tonight, so here goes…
As opposed to my last post, which was rather negative, I am now loving university and have made some lovely friends. Although it is a struggle with the workload and getting myself up to most people’s maths and science level (last time I did it was 5 years ago!), I am thoroughly enjoying the challenge. Learning about the human body and fitness is my new fascination, my new lifestyle.
All my tutors are aware of my deafness, and I have an action plan set up with the disability team should I need it. This includes; extra exam time, extended coursework deadline and having a note taker available to me.
3 weeks ago, we were told we would have to present in front of our seminar peers (about 30 people). I was shitting it. I made my powerpoint and then left it at that. A week before the presentation, I mentally decided that I would NOT present. Under any circumstances. The very thought riddled me with extreme anxiety and kept me awake.
So presentation day came, my friends all got up one by one and presented their powerpoints. I could see how nervous they were, the notes that they were holding shaking wildly, and different nervous mannerisms of people’s body language. They’re scared shitless Hannah, just like you. But did they chicken out? No.
Something switched in me, and at the end of the seminar session, I pulled my tutor aside and told him that I would be presenting next week. I told him I need to get out of my comfort zone.
Next week came, and as I was waiting for my turn to present, I was a shaking, hot, shivering and twitchy mess. I think I almost let go of my bladder at one point!
Now it was my turn. I got out the chair, took a swig of water and started talking through my presentation. I don’t actually remember much as it is now all a blur, but I know a few times my voice wavered and sounded shaky as I was utterly terrified. I felt my face burning all the way through. I got to the end though, and past the questions the teacher asked me about the presentation.
Adrenaline continued to course through my veins for the remainder of the day. I did it though. I pushed myself out my comfort zone, and I feel I can keep smashing through the invisible barriers. I’m strong. I’m unstoppable.
Fuck you anxiety.