Smashing through my invisible barriers

Feeling compelled to write tonight, so here goes…

As opposed to my last post, which was rather negative, I am now loving university and have made some lovely friends. Although it is a struggle with the workload and getting myself up to most people’s maths and science level (last time I did it was 5 years ago!), I am thoroughly enjoying the challenge. Learning about the human body and fitness is my new fascination, my new lifestyle.

All my tutors are aware of my deafness, and I have an action plan set up with the disability team should I need it. This includes; extra exam time, extended coursework deadline and having a note taker available to me.

3 weeks ago, we were told we would have to present in front of our seminar peers (about 30 people). I was shitting it. I made my powerpoint and then left it at that. A week before the presentation, I mentally decided that I would NOT present. Under any circumstances. The very thought riddled me with extreme anxiety and kept me awake.

So presentation day came, my friends all got up one by one and presented their powerpoints. I could see how nervous they were, the notes that they were holding shaking wildly, and different nervous mannerisms of people’s body language. They’re scared shitless Hannah, just like you. But did they chicken out? No.

Something switched in me, and at the end of the seminar session, I pulled my tutor aside and told him that I would be presenting next week. I told him I need to get out of my comfort zone.

Next week came, and as I was waiting for my turn to present, I was a shaking, hot, shivering and twitchy mess. I think I almost let go of my bladder at one point!

Now it was my turn. I got out the chair, took a swig of water and started talking through my presentation. I don’t actually remember much as it is now all a blur, but I know a few times my voice wavered and sounded shaky as I was utterly terrified. I felt my face burning all the way through. I got to the end though, and past the questions the teacher asked me about the presentation.

Adrenaline continued to course through my veins for the remainder of the day. I did it though. I pushed myself out my comfort zone, and I feel I can keep smashing through the invisible barriers. I’m strong. I’m unstoppable.

Fuck you anxiety.

 

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It’s happened again…

Week 3 of University. New course. New car. New people.

Same lonely and sad feeling. I feel as if I have Deja vu.

I really thought it would be different this time round. I’m determined not to drop out of University a second time. But it’s so bloody hard to keep on. Every day is a battle. My deafness riddles me with anxiety, crippling me until I find it hard to breathe and I start to feel dizzy.

I feel as if I’m at a dead end again. I’ve been holding up a brave face and acting like everything was perfectly ok, but tonight I poured everything out to my Mum. I’m going to try and stick it out, but my mental health seems to be in decline each day that goes by.

I’m starting to think, maybe university in general just isn’t for me?

Life is a tricky one for sure. I wonder when it will give me a break and finds me something I love.

Prologue draft-

I have been deaf since I was 2 and a half. My mum tells me the story. I was ill for a couple of days, sleeping a hell of a lot and had a strong dislike of bright lights. I also had what my mum assumed to be a nappy rash, but was one of the symptoms of Meningitis. More specifically, meningoccocal septicaemia. Mum took me to the doctors which there, they urged my mum to take me straight to A+E. My brother, who is three years older than me, remembers being in the car with me in the back seat whilst mum frantically drove there. He recalls that he was feeling scared, scared of me drifting in and out of consciousness and confused to what was going on. Once we arrived at A+E, they put me in an ambulance and blue lighted it all the way to a hospital in London with my Dad following behind in his small red car. My mum recalls I was rushed straight into theatre, whilst Doctors and surgeons frantically try to save my life. Somebody came out and took my parents to one side and told them “brace yourself, I don’t think your daughter is going to make it”. I can only imagine what those words did to my parents. I know that when I become a parent, I will have a better understanding. But to everyone’s surprise, I was a fighter and I pulled through.

I met the man who saved my life in 2015, walking through my local hospital after an audiology appointment to have my yearly hearing test. I shook his hand and he complimented me on how well I’m doing. When we parted I had an overwhelming urge of emotion and burst into tears. I was too young to remember the whole ordeal, but maybe subconsciously it still affects me to this day.

I have a strong urge to write my story, my life so far as a deaf individual and a fighter. This book is going to touch upon numerous highs and lows and relevant life experiences I have gone through throughout my 18 years of deafness. Hopefully this book will enable people to gain insight into what it is like to be deaf, and the challenges one faces from this invisible “disability”.

A Little Poem by Me

When I was in Salamanca (Spain) in February through my solo travel, the temperature suddenly plummeted and snow fell heavily so I was confined to the cosy empty hostel for a day. I had hell of a lot of thinking time and I self-meditated. One of my thoughts was love in a relationship. Struggling to get to grips with my own definition on it after a controlling relationship 2 years ago, I splurged my feelings on a piece of paper. Here goes;

Mere thing called Love

What is this mere thing called Love?

Is it defined as a result of obsessiveness, strangulated and suffocated, concealed like a child’s voice amongst a sea of professionals?

Is it the obsession? The kind of evil hate retention? Taking a back seat burner on our dreams for the sake of attention?

Where is the fine line, where is the balance? Can love be defined as a prosperous talent?

Whatever the meaning is, whoever we are, this force so strong, bound to inflict a scar on this relentless journey, never seen from afar.

Do we use our heads? Or do we use our hearts? Tainted views overshadow the truth, cracked at the seams, washed up youth.

 

  • Just to state, I never write poems so this is probably not the best line and presentation wise!

I have also have loadsss of pictures of my travels on my Instagram! @hanakafish

Love xxx

Well doesn’t time fly!

Holy CRAP.

Its been far far too long since I have been writing on here. I only have the lame excuse of “I keep meaning to but I’ve been busy!”. But its true, I have been!

My first ever solo trip to Spain was FLIPPING AWESOME!!! Yeah, there were lots of various bumps in the road, a lot of ups and downs and a little loneliness at times. Also, some difficulty regarding my deafness. But overall, it was definitely an experience I want to relive over and over. I have also since been to Scotland, Wales, Nice and Cannes (France). I’d say out of all of them, I struggled a hell of a lot with France, which I will write more about in my upcoming posts (I promise I will write them more frequently!).

I am also extremely happy and excited to say that I have got an unconditional offer to start a new university in September, studying Outdoor education management (no more poxy, stuffy and overfilled classrooms!!!).

I will be going over and writing about all my experiences and challenges I have been through since February as a deaf individual (also non-deaf people will relate too) over the next month so keep your eyes peeled!

Sending love xxx

 

Packing list for a month in Spain

  1. 10 tops/jumpers/vests,
  2. 5 trousers/jeans/shorts
  3. A camera for the memories 
  4. A whole bag of nervousness and worry 
  5. A small quick drying towel
  6. Shit loads of excitement and curiosity 
  7. Spare hearing aid 
  8. Mind wrenching thoughts about coping with my deafness 
  9. A spark of hope to be more passionate about life once again.
  10. A spare pair of trainers for  exploring.

Morning thoughts 

Train journey home

Wondering who my real friends are. Why do I seem to be the one to go above and beyond, yet still end up on the backseat. Do I try too hard? Why am I the only one to show loyalty and patience but to others it’s a rare occurrence. How abundant are simple manners nowadays? Is it not the “cool” thing?   Now I understand, it’s possible to feel so alone in a room full of people.

Searching for equal friendship, just somebody who understands.