It’s happened again…

Week 3 of University. New course. New car. New people.

Same lonely and sad feeling. I feel as if I have Deja vu.

I really thought it would be different this time round. I’m determined not to drop out of University a second time. But it’s so bloody hard to keep on. Every day is a battle. My deafness riddles me with anxiety, crippling me until I find it hard to breathe and I start to feel dizzy.

I feel as if I’m at a dead end again. I’ve been holding up a brave face and acting like everything was perfectly ok, but tonight I poured everything out to my Mum. I’m going to try and stick it out, but my mental health seems to be in decline each day that goes by.

I’m starting to think, maybe university in general just isn’t for me?

Life is a tricky one for sure. I wonder when it will give me a break and finds me something I love.


Prologue draft-

I have been deaf since I was 2 and a half. My mum tells me the story. I was ill for a couple of days, sleeping a hell of a lot and had a strong dislike of bright lights. I also had what my mum assumed to be a nappy rash, but was one of the symptoms of Meningitis. More specifically, meningoccocal septicaemia. Mum took me to the doctors which there, they urged my mum to take me straight to A+E. My brother, who is three years older than me, remembers being in the car with me in the back seat whilst mum frantically drove there. He recalls that he was feeling scared, scared of me drifting in and out of consciousness and confused to what was going on. Once we arrived at A+E, they put me in an ambulance and blue lighted it all the way to a hospital in London with my Dad following behind in his small red car. My mum recalls I was rushed straight into theatre, whilst Doctors and surgeons frantically try to save my life. Somebody came out and took my parents to one side and told them “brace yourself, I don’t think your daughter is going to make it”. I can only imagine what those words did to my parents. I know that when I become a parent, I will have a better understanding. But to everyone’s surprise, I was a fighter and I pulled through.

I met the man who saved my life in 2015, walking through my local hospital after an audiology appointment to have my yearly hearing test. I shook his hand and he complimented me on how well I’m doing. When we parted I had an overwhelming urge of emotion and burst into tears. I was too young to remember the whole ordeal, but maybe subconsciously it still affects me to this day.

I have a strong urge to write my story, my life so far as a deaf individual and a fighter. This book is going to touch upon numerous highs and lows and relevant life experiences I have gone through throughout my 18 years of deafness. Hopefully this book will enable people to gain insight into what it is like to be deaf, and the challenges one faces from this invisible “disability”.

A Little Poem by Me

When I was in Salamanca (Spain) in February through my solo travel, the temperature suddenly plummeted and snow fell heavily so I was confined to the cosy empty hostel for a day. I had hell of a lot of thinking time and I self-meditated. One of my thoughts was love in a relationship. Struggling to get to grips with my own definition on it after a controlling relationship 2 years ago, I splurged my feelings on a piece of paper. Here goes;

Mere thing called Love

What is this mere thing called Love?

Is it defined as a result of obsessiveness, strangulated and suffocated, concealed like a child’s voice amongst a sea of professionals?

Is it the obsession? The kind of evil hate retention? Taking a back seat burner on our dreams for the sake of attention?

Where is the fine line, where is the balance? Can love be defined as a prosperous talent?

Whatever the meaning is, whoever we are, this force so strong, bound to inflict a scar on this relentless journey, never seen from afar.

Do we use our heads? Or do we use our hearts? Tainted views overshadow the truth, cracked at the seams, washed up youth.


  • Just to state, I never write poems so this is probably not the best line and presentation wise!

I have also have loadsss of pictures of my travels on my Instagram! @hanakafish

Love xxx

Well doesn’t time fly!

Holy CRAP.

Its been far far too long since I have been writing on here. I only have the lame excuse of “I keep meaning to but I’ve been busy!”. But its true, I have been!

My first ever solo trip to Spain was FLIPPING AWESOME!!! Yeah, there were lots of various bumps in the road, a lot of ups and downs and a little loneliness at times. Also, some difficulty regarding my deafness. But overall, it was definitely an experience I want to relive over and over. I have also since been to Scotland, Wales, Nice and Cannes (France). I’d say out of all of them, I struggled a hell of a lot with France, which I will write more about in my upcoming posts (I promise I will write them more frequently!).

I am also extremely happy and excited to say that I have got an unconditional offer to start a new university in September, studying Outdoor education management (no more poxy, stuffy and overfilled classrooms!!!).

I will be going over and writing about all my experiences and challenges I have been through since February as a deaf individual (also non-deaf people will relate too) over the next month so keep your eyes peeled!

Sending love xxx


Packing list for a month in Spain

  1. 10 tops/jumpers/vests,
  2. 5 trousers/jeans/shorts
  3. A camera for the memories 
  4. A whole bag of nervousness and worry 
  5. A small quick drying towel
  6. Shit loads of excitement and curiosity 
  7. Spare hearing aid 
  8. Mind wrenching thoughts about coping with my deafness 
  9. A spark of hope to be more passionate about life once again.
  10. A spare pair of trainers for  exploring.

Morning thoughts 

Train journey home

Wondering who my real friends are. Why do I seem to be the one to go above and beyond, yet still end up on the backseat. Do I try too hard? Why am I the only one to show loyalty and patience but to others it’s a rare occurrence. How abundant are simple manners nowadays? Is it not the “cool” thing?   Now I understand, it’s possible to feel so alone in a room full of people.

Searching for equal friendship, just somebody who understands.

Welcome back me

I haven’t written anything in a long while. Truth be told I have thought about it a fair few times but haven’t really had the willingness nor time to write my feelings on here. But tonight I feel compelled to. So here goes…

I have had an eventful few months. Totally random. I have gone completely out of my comfort zone multiple times. (not to mention 3 bouts of tonsillitis!)

In December I went to the Alps (Tignes) by myself and stay with a somebody I had only met twice before. I arranged it all myself and did the journey alone. I faced many difficulties on the way, such as understanding accents in the airport, being paranoid I was on the wrong flight, not being able to hear the announcements properly and worrying it was something important. But it all went reasonably smoothly. Better than I thought.

Actually being in the Alps however wasn’t so smooth sailing. I tried my hardest to keep a positive outlook on the whole thing but at times it was very testing. The accommodation was dirty and small and f***** freezing with no heating (-5 degrees inside) and the various different people coming and going made me feel extremely unsettled. Most were not very friendly, which may be down to the fact that they are here for the ski season and I was just visiting, and also the fact that they cannot be bothered with “the deaf girl”- I overheard these words.

I had a few great nights out though and met some great French people, and learning to snowboard definitely threw me straight out of my comfort zone further (I wasn’t great at it- but hey its harder than it looks!!!)

The journey back to Geneva airport at 3am in the heavy snow in an old car was one of the scariest experiences of my life. My “friend” slammed on the breaks but it was useless. We slipped and slided down the mountain- the handbreak proved to be useless also. We had a couple of near misses, almost plummeting down the mountain side and colliding with other big trucks coming up. Definitely not an experience I would like to repeat!

Although my trip was a rocky one, it spurred something inside me to travel solo. I know I can do it and can come out the other side of a testing period of my life. So when I got home, I booked a month backpacking around Spain, starting in Barcelona. I leave on the 21st of February! I’m terrified but extremely excited. I know I will experience a huge array of emotions and discomfort, but I need to experience this. I don’t want to be the deaf girl who clings on to home life anymore.

I have also learnt something which is probably the most valuable lesson these last two months. I am finally embracing my deafness and becoming more relaxed about telling people. I believe that my month trip around Spain will round it off nicely- with increased confidence and a stronger deaf identity.

I pray everyone is having a great 2017 so far. Sending love and light xxx