via Daily Prompt: Fishing
Fishing for a notion of justice, unable to see through the murkiness. Fishing for a sense of humanity in a whirlpool of hierarchy. Fishing to find the floor of a bottomless ocean. Fishing for a movement, creating ripples in the calm lake. Calmly fishing in the endless storm.
Sooo…today I was in a shop, no background noise and just me and the cashier.
He said to me “Would you be interested in one of our loyalty cards?” So I said “Yeah go on then, why not?”….”Ok” he said, “dfiugiuriun grot9or5iu4hug gruigttr?”
“Sorry, what was that?” I asked
“dfiugiuriun grot9or5iu4hug gruigttr?” He replied.
At this point, I was shaking and sweating profusely. I just wanted to run away and hide forever, but I looked up and then into my purse and just awkwardly laughed. I then plucked up courage to say “sorry I really cant hear you. Could you say that again?”.
I looked at him and he started laughing and looked extremely awkward.
“Please could you tell me your name?”- I just about heard the third time. PHEW.
I really don’t understand why I didn’t just say from the start that I’m deaf. It doesn’t seem like such a hard task for other people but for me it seems to be. Now I’m scared to go in that shop again in case he serves me again, STILL not knowing that I’m deaf.
I’m kicking myself. I even APOLOGISED for being awkward??? I need to seriously work on this deaf thing…
But hey, I have wine. It’s not all bad.
From when I was a teenager onwards, I never liked being out in the rain and always avoided it when I could. Being in it made me miserable.
But today, when walking my dog in the rain, I suddenly took out my hearing aid, craned my face upwards towards the sky and let the heavens pour down on it for a good five minutes. It was such a strange feeling and I felt as if I had overcome some sort of mental barrier. It felt as if it was washing away all the bad stuff. I had a big smile on my face the whole time.
Perhaps I have misunderstood the rain for all these years. Mistaken it for a negative thing when it is actually something beautiful. Perhaps being completely alone with my thoughts in nature stirred up something within me.
The little girl in me wanted to dance in the rain- and for the first time, I let her.
Todays mantra: “Dance with your enemies and they will become your friends”.
“Please could you face me when you talk to me.”
“Could you speak a little bit slower please”
“Please don’t cover your mouth when you talk. I lip-read.”
“Please come here if you need to talk to me, I can’t hear you when you’re in another room.”
“I can hear you but I don’t know what you’re saying”
“Sorry I don’t understand your accent”
This is my first time at writing something like this. I have always loved writing but lost all passion and enthusiasm for it when I studied English Literature at A Level (which failed also).
I guess I feel a bit…lost. I started university in September studying Interior Architecture, moved out into halls (which was not easy for a deaf person to do), made great friends, did well in my course for three months and generally had a good time. So what went wrong?
I hated my course. I tried to kid myself for three months that I loved it. It is one of the most intense degrees you could do! In the studio working 8am till 8pm, 5 days a week. Then have a heavy workload on the weekend to complete, multiple project deadlines, presentations (which scared the crap out of me and was frankly just embarrassing because of my deafness) and too many things to juggle at once! I spent three days working on one drawing that sucked the life out of my soul, only to show it to a tutor (who was barely ever there) and for him to say, “I’m sorry Hannah, but this is all wrong you’re going to have to re-do it.”. It was this moment precisely that I thought in my head “You know what, F*** this! I’m done”. I was done with the constant worry about my hearing, done with the stress, done with halls, done with not having a life outdoors (I love being outside) and done with the pressure. I didn’t want to be “institutionalised” anymore. Following this, I packed up my stuff, left and never returned. A week later I had to move out of halls and return back home.
Now I feel like I’m at a dead end. Back to square one. I have NO idea what to do with my life. I want to join the Army, but hey I cant, I’m deaf! I feel all motivation has been well and truly sucked out of me. In fact, it took so much for me to just write this. I feel emotionally exhausted yet so numb at the same time. Times like this is when I feel down about my hearing loss, and feel so alone in a hearing world.
I am going to try my best at keeping this writing lark going, even if nobody reads it. I need a release and maybe one day I can read back to this and think “Wow, things have turned out great now from that point”…I hope.