Welcome back me

I haven’t written anything in a long while. Truth be told I have thought about it a fair few times but haven’t really had the willingness nor time to write my feelings on here. But tonight I feel compelled to. So here goes…

I have had an eventful few months. Totally random. I have gone completely out of my comfort zone multiple times. (not to mention 3 bouts of tonsillitis!)

In December I went to the Alps (Tignes) by myself and stay with a somebody I had only met twice before. I arranged it all myself and did the journey alone. I faced many difficulties on the way, such as understanding accents in the airport, being paranoid I was on the wrong flight, not being able to hear the announcements properly and worrying it was something important. But it all went reasonably smoothly. Better than I thought.

Actually being in the Alps however wasn’t so smooth sailing. I tried my hardest to keep a positive outlook on the whole thing but at times it was very testing. The accommodation was dirty and small and f***** freezing with no heating (-5 degrees inside) and the various different people coming and going made me feel extremely unsettled. Most were not very friendly, which may be down to the fact that they are here for the ski season and I was just visiting, and also the fact that they cannot be bothered with “the deaf girl”- I overheard these words.

I had a few great nights out though and met some great French people, and learning to snowboard definitely threw me straight out of my comfort zone further (I wasn’t great at it- but hey its harder than it looks!!!)

The journey back to Geneva airport at 3am in the heavy snow in an old car was one of the scariest experiences of my life. My “friend” slammed on the breaks but it was useless. We slipped and slided down the mountain- the handbreak proved to be useless also. We had a couple of near misses, almost plummeting down the mountain side and colliding with other big trucks coming up. Definitely not an experience I would like to repeat!

Although my trip was a rocky one, it spurred something inside me to travel solo. I know I can do it and can come out the other side of a testing period of my life. So when I got home, I booked a month backpacking around Spain, starting in Barcelona. I leave on the 21st of February! I’m terrified but extremely excited. I know I will experience a huge array of emotions and discomfort, but I need to experience this. I don’t want to be the deaf girl who clings on to home life anymore.

I have also learnt something which is probably the most valuable lesson these last two months. I am finally embracing my deafness and becoming more relaxed about telling people. I believe that my month trip around Spain will round it off nicely- with increased confidence and a stronger deaf identity.

I pray everyone is having a great 2017 so far. Sending love and light xxx

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Daily Prompt: Moody

via Daily Prompt: Moody

 

People think I’m moody because I cant hear someone.

People think I’m moody because of my “resting-bitch face”. But in fact its the sheer concentration of trying to lip-read and hear someone.

People think I’m moody because I lock myself in my room for hours at a time, when in reality its because I’m so exhausted from trying to hear and follow the conversation.

People think I’m moody because I prefer to work on my own in silence, rather than sit in a group and struggle to keep up.

People think I’m moody because it takes me 3 days to recover from a day of constant socialising.

People think I’m moody because I don’t move out the way after they say “excuse me” 5 times.

People think I’m moody when they say something for the 3rd time and I just let out a nervous laugh and a wild guess “yeah”.

People who think I’m moody- please understand me when I say it isn’t personal.

Can the ground swallow me up already?

Sooo…today I was in a shop, no background noise and just me and the cashier.

He said to me “Would you be interested in one of our loyalty cards?” So I said “Yeah go on then, why not?”….”Ok” he said, “dfiugiuriun grot9or5iu4hug gruigttr?”

“Sorry, what was that?” I asked

“dfiugiuriun grot9or5iu4hug gruigttr?” He replied.

At this point, I was shaking and sweating profusely. I just wanted to run away and hide forever, but I looked up and then into my purse and just awkwardly laughed. I then plucked up courage to say “sorry I really cant hear you. Could you say that again?”.

I looked at him and he started laughing and looked extremely awkward.

“Please could you tell me your name?”- I just about heard the third time. PHEW.

I really don’t understand why I didn’t just say from the start that I’m deaf. It doesn’t seem like such a hard task for other people but for me it seems to be. Now I’m scared to go in that shop again in case he serves me again, STILL not knowing that I’m deaf.

I’m kicking myself. I even APOLOGISED for being awkward??? I need to seriously work on this deaf thing…

But hey, I have wine. It’s not all bad.

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Things I’m embarrassed to say to strangers

“Please could you face me when you talk to me.”

“Could you speak a little bit slower please”

“Please don’t cover your mouth when you talk. I lip-read.”

“Please come here if you need to talk to me, I can’t hear you when you’re in another room.”

“I can hear you but I don’t know what you’re saying”

“Sorry I don’t understand your accent”

“I’m deaf”